5dp3dt....again

On my cell, so please forgive grammar & spelling.

Well it's been along time since I wrote here, guess I didn't feel the need to blog (journal) my thoughts & feelings. Or I was afraid to write what was going on in my head.

I FB msg'd my best girl friend I was scared to talk to her cause of knew she'd just tell me she was pregnant. She had m/c a few months ago, I was sad for her, but also it kinda felt nice to know it happens to other people besides me. I'm sure that sounds sick, maybe that's who I've become. I no longer know who I am, at least not beyond ttc/IF/mc/IVF etc. By the way, she is pregnant again.

Where we are right now! Going bonkers in the 2ww!

I had conveniently forgotten "Childless Awareness Day" is this weekend. Resolves posts on how to get through it on FB reminded me, yay! Thankfully our local hardware store does an open house bbq & greenhouse opening Sat. So mostly I find myself getting the nieces & nephews to buy flowers for their mom's and then just drink & stay in bed Sun. Since I forgot, I made plans for hanging with my brother & his family. Maybe going to a movie & dinner. I might make it through since I can't drink & am presently PUPO-pregnant until proven otherwise. 

I am pretty grateful for my crazy, dysfunctional family & the way they support us & our almost debilitating drive to have a baby.

So if this doesn't work (gotta have a back up plan to keep me from jumping off the edge I so frequently teeter on), adoption. I was ready for this 6 months into our relationship :) long story, glad it didn't work out. Now Tim is too. Will have to take out a loan of some sort to improve/rebuild the house. Get indoor plumbing and all that stuff most people take for granted (or require before saying "I do").

I am so proud of my husband and all the hard work he is putting in. It's tough to be apart 2 wks at a time and he misses 1/2 of whatever is going on at home. I feel like we're doing okay, maybe even better. It sure is nice to not stress over every penny & have a little extra once in awhile - of course we're completely broke right now, damn IVF!

I'm kinda in a holding pattern til we find out if there are any sticky embabies this time around. If so I have tons of $ to come up with for meds, if not, well I'm going to decide how to cross that bridge when I get to it-jumping may be an option :) jk

Okay, well since my boards aren't doing the trick to stay sane I will probably be back soon. I find it hilarious that writing to the world (whoever stumbles upon & wants to read) is cathartic. For years therapists tried to get me to journal, ha ha! 

okay.. I'll give an update, it'll be long

well it depends on how much patience i have. this is from my phone. so forgive the grammar. so we saw the famous dr. anderson on may 10th. started suppression meds.birth control. on the 31st. then due to scheduling we had to wait forever for the rest of the process. well okay only til the end of july. so the stimulating meds werent that bad. giving myself 4 sub q injections a day. i thought i was quite the trooper. i went in on day 9. 7 days of stim meds. and the got the call that i went faster than they thought i would and that i needed to take my trigger shot the next am. so 24 hrs after the trigger i picked my husband up from the airport. he works away 2 weeks at a time. and we drove down to soldotna. after acupuncture. we had a hard time getting a sample of swimmers. my poor hubby. i tell him im sorry every time. i get to have no privates. but i dont have to enjoy it. the retrivial was crazy.... the doc was planning a fishing trip. my feet up in stirups and he was chatting with some office lady that had nothing to do with the procedure who was standing in the door way talking about halibut fishing.... really.... god i was praying he was going to pay more attn to our embies. so on the us i had 20 follies. Then they only got out 8, still confused about that. 5 were mature, and 4 fertilized. After 48 agonizing hours he called and said that there was the 4, and that they were fragmented- of course we quickly went to the WWW. To investigate. I was pretty freaked out as I had no way of contacting the doc after we came up with questions to ask. So I called Joy... I really appreciate her and her bluntness, she was the first provider we went to who was able to come up with a plan. She feels like a patient advocate. She said to get ahold of the office and have then put back all 4! A "cleaved transfer" so feeling a little better we called with a plan.... but the doc wouldn't do more than 2, and he really wanted to wait til they were a few days older-Blasts. But at this point we didn't have much confidince in his ability to do much more than fish! So we finally got a hold of his nurse, she gave us his # and I just let my husband deal with the descion. It was his turn to help :-) he missed out on all the shots and u/s. Tim said he had a really good conversation with him and that the doc was going to check on the embies and call us back. When he called us he said that one of the 4 was a "grade A" and he could pick one of the best of the fragmented ones to put back right now if we wanted. We of course said ok! We'll be there in 20 min! He said oh! I thought I'd have a few hours to get ready. Nope! We decided to stay close by our little embies... well we went in and it was only the doc. Again he basically ignored us (not trying to bash Dr. Anderson-just want the next couple who finds him online to be forwarned he has terrible bed side manner & you should talk to him on the phone!) So now we wait.... 2 extremely long weeks. Tim goes back to work before we find out if it worked. Had to have much hope when you've been pregnant and lost it 3 times before. We have 2 more little ones we're watching so should find out if they went to blasts today, maybe that will help with the hoping part. So here I am... not lifting, BDing, watching what I eat/drink, etc... all the " I'm pregnant" things. Sigh... I'll be back to edit this cause it'll bug me. But feel better now that I've written down the last 3 months of adventure.

Never thought I'd want to hurry up AF...

But I have to wait for a new cycle to start drugs...
I for some reason was under the assumption that IVF would be a quick fix. Expensive, but quick... Not so much.
We saw Dr. Anderson in Soldotna on May 10th, he seems to know what he's doing-Joy is still double checking everything, which makes me feels well cared for. I'm trying to wait patiently for a new cycle to start. Then ultra sound/blood work and starting birth control-funny, I know. Supposedly it will keep my ovaries from developing follicles. So BCP for 2-3 wks, trying to arrange around everyone's schedules- doc's, my hubby... feeling a little frustrated with this, it's my follicles that are being held back here for their calendar??
Then a med to stop my hormones from contributing, and another shot to stimulate follicle growth (somewhere around 10 days). Then more ultra sounds & blood work, and if all goes well..... they retrieve all the little "follies" I've grown and insert a swimmer into each. Then the waiting game starts... 3-5 days to see if the embies are growing, if so putting some back, then the dreaded 2 week wait. I've already told people I may enlist them to keep me from going crazy. The 2WW has always been a tough spot for me.

Still here!

Well... hhhmmm.
School is done, thank goodness I made it through that much. Am waiting for my certification in the mail so I can start running on the ambulance again-it's been awhile.
I've dropped 20 pounds, so am happy about that. It's an everyday battle though. Another day gone and I didn't get a chance to work out or even walk. Food is still my comfort-that box of mac & cheese is calling out to me, even now @ 11pm.
Our appt., with Dr. Anderson is on Tues. We'll leave home at 4am to drive the 260 miles. I'm excited, scared, anxious, and who knows what else.
I find it really funny that my family is still uncomfortable about this whole infertility thing. I know they see how much I want a baby, and I know they love me. Today I was at a birthday party for my niece for 4 hours... and no one asked about our up coming appointment. No one wanted to know how I was doing. Sigh, oh well. It makes me a little sad. They did talk to an almost relative about how her pregnancy was going, how things would change for her, if she was handling things. Making sure I was busy, or not in the room of course.
Tim is home and I am feeling so grateful to have a strong, loving person to lean on. Things have been hard with all the changes, and I know that won't change. I am looking forward to taking steps in a new direction on this crazy bumpy ride called IF.

Checking back in!!!

OK, I give in..... I can't give up!
So onward.
The last half of 2010 was REALLY, REALLY hard. The human body, mind and spirit are amazing to me. I thank God for all the love and support all my family and friends give me. I'm not sure how I'm still here-I know I tried to give up.
DH has gotten a job that actually makes money. He is feeling better about that, as am I. We have health insurance.... not that it'll help with IF, but we have it.
I've been in school (4 weeks til the end of the semester), and am glad to be doing something productive. It is putting us further in debt, but I'm glad I'll be able to help my community more with the new knowledge. Was hoping that diving in and being over my head would distract me from the ever present depression of being baby-less.... It hasn't. It has gotten me off the couch and out of the house though, which is a big improvement over this time last year.
We went back to the IF (Joy Zimmerma-Golden) specialist and have a new plan. This time I'm not in charge, so am feeling that I'm less responsible for the outcome. She wants DH and I to go see Dr. John Anderson in Soldotna, no more messing around, straight for the IVF. Our first appt. is May 10th, just a consult, and to make a plan for which protocol we'll go on. Joy is going to be very involved and I'm thankful for her support. In total it'll be around $5,000. It's alot for us right now as we're just finally able to pay our bills. But I think it'd cost more for me to be hospitalized for insanity :-)
The actual procedure is about $2,000 and meds for the stimulation and continuation of the pregnancy will be around $3k. Dr. Anderson has mixed reviews , online at least. Am trying to remember that they have been doing this for a lot longer than I've been trying to get (and stay) pregnant.
I am very leery about giving myself shots, but have asked friends and some seem willing-lucky them :-)
Joy also changed my meds! Goodness, what way to feel. I dropped my SSRI's, changed to a name brand thyroid med, started Glucophage, and an appetite suppressant. I need to loose 30 pounds by the time I start the "protocol". I'm definitely NOT hungry, and have to force myself to eat so I don't get anymore AMS from low BGL. I'm not insulin resistant or diabetic so having my sugar dumped is I guess what's causing the 2 glasses of wine feeling. I also started the South Beach Diet-am trying to follow the phase one part now. Celery seems to be the main portion of what I'm eating. At least I like it, for now.
Well hopefully I'll keep up the positive pace and post on here more often. Think I'll change the settings so if people wanna read my rantings they can. I know I'm not the only one lost in the land of IF.