But I have to wait for a new cycle to start drugs...
I for some reason was under the assumption that IVF would be a quick fix. Expensive, but quick... Not so much.
We saw Dr. Anderson in Soldotna on May 10th, he seems to know what he's doing-Joy is still double checking everything, which makes me feels well cared for. I'm trying to wait patiently for a new cycle to start. Then ultra sound/blood work and starting birth control-funny, I know. Supposedly it will keep my ovaries from developing follicles. So BCP for 2-3 wks, trying to arrange around everyone's schedules- doc's, my hubby... feeling a little frustrated with this, it's my follicles that are being held back here for their calendar??
Then a med to stop my hormones from contributing, and another shot to stimulate follicle growth (somewhere around 10 days). Then more ultra sounds & blood work, and if all goes well..... they retrieve all the little "follies" I've grown and insert a swimmer into each. Then the waiting game starts... 3-5 days to see if the embies are growing, if so putting some back, then the dreaded 2 week wait. I've already told people I may enlist them to keep me from going crazy. The 2WW has always been a tough spot for me.
US
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Still here!
Well... hhhmmm.
School is done, thank goodness I made it through that much. Am waiting for my certification in the mail so I can start running on the ambulance again-it's been awhile.
I've dropped 20 pounds, so am happy about that. It's an everyday battle though. Another day gone and I didn't get a chance to work out or even walk. Food is still my comfort-that box of mac & cheese is calling out to me, even now @ 11pm.
Our appt., with Dr. Anderson is on Tues. We'll leave home at 4am to drive the 260 miles. I'm excited, scared, anxious, and who knows what else.
I find it really funny that my family is still uncomfortable about this whole infertility thing. I know they see how much I want a baby, and I know they love me. Today I was at a birthday party for my niece for 4 hours... and no one asked about our up coming appointment. No one wanted to know how I was doing. Sigh, oh well. It makes me a little sad. They did talk to an almost relative about how her pregnancy was going, how things would change for her, if she was handling things. Making sure I was busy, or not in the room of course.
Tim is home and I am feeling so grateful to have a strong, loving person to lean on. Things have been hard with all the changes, and I know that won't change. I am looking forward to taking steps in a new direction on this crazy bumpy ride called IF.
School is done, thank goodness I made it through that much. Am waiting for my certification in the mail so I can start running on the ambulance again-it's been awhile.
I've dropped 20 pounds, so am happy about that. It's an everyday battle though. Another day gone and I didn't get a chance to work out or even walk. Food is still my comfort-that box of mac & cheese is calling out to me, even now @ 11pm.
Our appt., with Dr. Anderson is on Tues. We'll leave home at 4am to drive the 260 miles. I'm excited, scared, anxious, and who knows what else.
I find it really funny that my family is still uncomfortable about this whole infertility thing. I know they see how much I want a baby, and I know they love me. Today I was at a birthday party for my niece for 4 hours... and no one asked about our up coming appointment. No one wanted to know how I was doing. Sigh, oh well. It makes me a little sad. They did talk to an almost relative about how her pregnancy was going, how things would change for her, if she was handling things. Making sure I was busy, or not in the room of course.
Tim is home and I am feeling so grateful to have a strong, loving person to lean on. Things have been hard with all the changes, and I know that won't change. I am looking forward to taking steps in a new direction on this crazy bumpy ride called IF.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Checking back in!!!
OK, I give in..... I can't give up!
So onward.
The last half of 2010 was REALLY, REALLY hard. The human body, mind and spirit are amazing to me. I thank God for all the love and support all my family and friends give me. I'm not sure how I'm still here-I know I tried to give up.
DH has gotten a job that actually makes money. He is feeling better about that, as am I. We have health insurance.... not that it'll help with IF, but we have it.
I've been in school (4 weeks til the end of the semester), and am glad to be doing something productive. It is putting us further in debt, but I'm glad I'll be able to help my community more with the new knowledge. Was hoping that diving in and being over my head would distract me from the ever present depression of being baby-less.... It hasn't. It has gotten me off the couch and out of the house though, which is a big improvement over this time last year.
We went back to the IF (Joy Zimmerma-Golden) specialist and have a new plan. This time I'm not in charge, so am feeling that I'm less responsible for the outcome. She wants DH and I to go see Dr. John Anderson in Soldotna, no more messing around, straight for the IVF. Our first appt. is May 10th, just a consult, and to make a plan for which protocol we'll go on. Joy is going to be very involved and I'm thankful for her support. In total it'll be around $5,000. It's alot for us right now as we're just finally able to pay our bills. But I think it'd cost more for me to be hospitalized for insanity :-)
The actual procedure is about $2,000 and meds for the stimulation and continuation of the pregnancy will be around $3k. Dr. Anderson has mixed reviews , online at least. Am trying to remember that they have been doing this for a lot longer than I've been trying to get (and stay) pregnant.
I am very leery about giving myself shots, but have asked friends and some seem willing-lucky them :-)
Joy also changed my meds! Goodness, what way to feel. I dropped my SSRI's, changed to a name brand thyroid med, started Glucophage, and an appetite suppressant. I need to loose 30 pounds by the time I start the "protocol". I'm definitely NOT hungry, and have to force myself to eat so I don't get anymore AMS from low BGL. I'm not insulin resistant or diabetic so having my sugar dumped is I guess what's causing the 2 glasses of wine feeling. I also started the South Beach Diet-am trying to follow the phase one part now. Celery seems to be the main portion of what I'm eating. At least I like it, for now.
Well hopefully I'll keep up the positive pace and post on here more often. Think I'll change the settings so if people wanna read my rantings they can. I know I'm not the only one lost in the land of IF.
So onward.
The last half of 2010 was REALLY, REALLY hard. The human body, mind and spirit are amazing to me. I thank God for all the love and support all my family and friends give me. I'm not sure how I'm still here-I know I tried to give up.
DH has gotten a job that actually makes money. He is feeling better about that, as am I. We have health insurance.... not that it'll help with IF, but we have it.
I've been in school (4 weeks til the end of the semester), and am glad to be doing something productive. It is putting us further in debt, but I'm glad I'll be able to help my community more with the new knowledge. Was hoping that diving in and being over my head would distract me from the ever present depression of being baby-less.... It hasn't. It has gotten me off the couch and out of the house though, which is a big improvement over this time last year.
We went back to the IF (Joy Zimmerma-Golden) specialist and have a new plan. This time I'm not in charge, so am feeling that I'm less responsible for the outcome. She wants DH and I to go see Dr. John Anderson in Soldotna, no more messing around, straight for the IVF. Our first appt. is May 10th, just a consult, and to make a plan for which protocol we'll go on. Joy is going to be very involved and I'm thankful for her support. In total it'll be around $5,000. It's alot for us right now as we're just finally able to pay our bills. But I think it'd cost more for me to be hospitalized for insanity :-)
The actual procedure is about $2,000 and meds for the stimulation and continuation of the pregnancy will be around $3k. Dr. Anderson has mixed reviews , online at least. Am trying to remember that they have been doing this for a lot longer than I've been trying to get (and stay) pregnant.
I am very leery about giving myself shots, but have asked friends and some seem willing-lucky them :-)
Joy also changed my meds! Goodness, what way to feel. I dropped my SSRI's, changed to a name brand thyroid med, started Glucophage, and an appetite suppressant. I need to loose 30 pounds by the time I start the "protocol". I'm definitely NOT hungry, and have to force myself to eat so I don't get anymore AMS from low BGL. I'm not insulin resistant or diabetic so having my sugar dumped is I guess what's causing the 2 glasses of wine feeling. I also started the South Beach Diet-am trying to follow the phase one part now. Celery seems to be the main portion of what I'm eating. At least I like it, for now.
Well hopefully I'll keep up the positive pace and post on here more often. Think I'll change the settings so if people wanna read my rantings they can. I know I'm not the only one lost in the land of IF.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
2WW
Wow! time to increase my SSRI's or something-that last post was awful! Guess it's just the way it is....
Feeling a little better today, had some time away with my DH, thinking back we didn't even talk about baby stuff...! kudos!
Today it's raining, feels good.
Feeling a little better today, had some time away with my DH, thinking back we didn't even talk about baby stuff...! kudos!
Today it's raining, feels good.
Friday, June 25, 2010
skin of my teeth or by a thread.....
I'm trying to hang in there, where ever there may be.....
Reading thru others blogs and seeing that IF doesn't really "go away" even with a pregnancy. Should have known that even carrying all the way to holding that baby in my arms wouldn't be easy. I have a feeling I would always be worrying-as I am now, is today the day AF is coming, "oh, what was that twitch?" gas, or ovulating... oh well
Feeling like hanging on to this dream is harder than what I want to do, do I have too..... I don't have any other dreams, always just wanted to grow up so I could be a mom.
Can I really keep busy enough to let it out of my mind? It hasn't worked so far, I've only gotten older, fatter, and less able to cope with everyday "little" things.
How long can my husband deal with a wife that can't be happy? How long does he want to? When will it be too much to handle anymore?
Why do I keep asking questions that I know will not be answered? How do I dig myself out of this hole? Do I want to? Can I keep surviving this? Can't I just stay down? It takes SO much work to keep getting back up-knowing you're going to be knocked down in another 4 weeks. Why me? *sigh* I guess why not me would work as well, can someone really deserve this? Would anyone want to go thru IF? What will make this not hurt so much? Why do I feel like a failure? Haven't I accomplished many things to be proud of? Why does having a baby define who I am? Or, what I've done with my life? I know I could go on, and on, guess it's just a good day to go get back into bed........
Reading thru others blogs and seeing that IF doesn't really "go away" even with a pregnancy. Should have known that even carrying all the way to holding that baby in my arms wouldn't be easy. I have a feeling I would always be worrying-as I am now, is today the day AF is coming, "oh, what was that twitch?" gas, or ovulating... oh well
Feeling like hanging on to this dream is harder than what I want to do, do I have too..... I don't have any other dreams, always just wanted to grow up so I could be a mom.
Can I really keep busy enough to let it out of my mind? It hasn't worked so far, I've only gotten older, fatter, and less able to cope with everyday "little" things.
How long can my husband deal with a wife that can't be happy? How long does he want to? When will it be too much to handle anymore?
Why do I keep asking questions that I know will not be answered? How do I dig myself out of this hole? Do I want to? Can I keep surviving this? Can't I just stay down? It takes SO much work to keep getting back up-knowing you're going to be knocked down in another 4 weeks. Why me? *sigh* I guess why not me would work as well, can someone really deserve this? Would anyone want to go thru IF? What will make this not hurt so much? Why do I feel like a failure? Haven't I accomplished many things to be proud of? Why does having a baby define who I am? Or, what I've done with my life? I know I could go on, and on, guess it's just a good day to go get back into bed........
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