Adoption Workshop

Counting down the days.... So we're finally taking a forward step-instead of just hoping that someday we'll have a baby. This is a big step and I'm trying to keep perspective that this will take time, and won't happen overnight. At least now we have something definite we're working for. Instead of just waiting, or hoping, or whatever you want to call it. A friend is very encouraging about this program and has talked to Tim a lot about what to expect and the cost/timeline. So he's ready and excited. I'm glad, big relief for me. I have thought about adoption many times growing up, and am happy this is the route we're taking. I know my family will be supportive, and that my parents will be happy for us to finally have our baby. Well, short post today, TTFN

Happy Childless Awareness Day!

"Childless Awareness Day" present to you, I give you the gift of "the upside". The Upside of Infertility.


You're welcome.

Today, you...

...don't have to clean up poop that your two year old has smeared all over the walls.

...can sleep in without some dirty child jumping on your face at 5:30 am.

...can drink heavily. Repeatedly. All day long. Without that nasty stigma of being an "alcoholic parent". You can just be a regular ol' alcoholic.

...you can watch an X-rated movie. On the big TV in the living room (Adam's contribution). Adam also suggests you can watch a bloody horror movie.

...smoke crack without worrying you're being a bad influence on the next generation. We've all seen that commercial... "From you, alright! I learned it from watching you!"

...can leave the house without Child Protective Service getting called on you for leaving your children unattended (way worse than having neighbors complain about your barking dogs all day, or so I've been told).

...can have sex anywhere in the house you'd like (another Adam contribution). Or just lounge around naked.

...spend the money that would have gone to a Mother's Day present on something much more practical and useful over the long term.... like Uni-Corn Corn holders. Awesome.

So ladies, what things will you enjoy today about being childless? Happy Childless Awareness Day!"

****Found this post on Busted Plumbing****** Thank you Kate!

I had decided to not post anything on Mothers day due to the fact that it would be bitter, depressed rantings. However my mother's day wasn't that bad....

I started out Sat by having all my nieces and nephew and going to an open-house BBQ at the local hardware store-the kids picked out flowers for their mom's that we later planted in baskets for my sis and sis in law. So I a great Auntie day! I also got to spend time with my mom, and that was great-we don't get to have very much mother-daughter time.
Sunday I slept in and then took advantage of the sunshine and worked outside, lounged on the trampoline and got a nice sunburn. Tim cooked me a nice brunch and then went to pick up the step-kids. D & F surprised me by bringing home flowers (later found out that D bought them herself), I didn't know what to say but Thank you. I know this has been hard on them, and they only see me as hurt and upset-they really don't know what is going on month to month. The feelings of loss and failure. So my mom's day turned out better than last year-Thank you God!
 

WTF?

OMG! Could there be anymore pregnant women, or new babies? All in our town of 1,200 people and all at the library when I'm there for story time with my niece and nephew. I had to put on my smiley face, listen to the stories, and then finish crafts. Leaving I felt like I was going to fall apart. Why is my body doing this to me? When is it my turn? Why do crack whores, and drug addicts get to have babies and neglect them , or abuse them?
I am so tired....... I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of waiting for my baby, I'm tired of having to survive......
All I want to do is crawl into bed and just go to sleep.

I have LOTs of things to be happy about......

so why can't I just be happy? Well, I guess I have to find a way to push these thoughts of failure, self doubt, self hate, self loathing, and just all around not liking myself somewhere. the hard thing about it is it takes so much energy to pull myself out of all these bad thoughts, it's easier to just stay under and not be happy...
What is happiness anyways?
Is it always having a smile on your face-I can do that and still feel lousy
How about laughing- I have moments of laughter
Or, feeling good and wanting to share it... That I don't do.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel happy and want to smile, laugh and share it, they are just few and far between, and are usually brought on by my husband, my siblings, or nieces and nephew. Z has been asking me every time she sees me now if "you're having a bad mad day, aunt tabby?" I am so far down in my own little pit that a 2 1/2 year old can see it!!! What happened to Happy Tabby? Where did she go and why do I only see passing glances now?

I asked my mom, on a 5 hour road trip to pick up my little brother, if I was a happy child..... she said, and I quote "you were bossy", she even thought about it for a few seconds. So have I never been happy and just found a way to put on a show till I just couldn't anymore?

I hope to find my happy self again, and who knows, maybe I won't be the same as I once was.