so why can't I just be happy? Well, I guess I have to find a way to push these thoughts of failure, self doubt, self hate, self loathing, and just all around not liking myself somewhere. the hard thing about it is it takes so much energy to pull myself out of all these bad thoughts, it's easier to just stay under and not be happy...
What is happiness anyways?
Is it always having a smile on your face-I can do that and still feel lousy
How about laughing- I have moments of laughter
Or, feeling good and wanting to share it... That I don't do.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel happy and want to smile, laugh and share it, they are just few and far between, and are usually brought on by my husband, my siblings, or nieces and nephew. Z has been asking me every time she sees me now if "you're having a bad mad day, aunt tabby?" I am so far down in my own little pit that a 2 1/2 year old can see it!!! What happened to Happy Tabby? Where did she go and why do I only see passing glances now?
I asked my mom, on a 5 hour road trip to pick up my little brother, if I was a happy child..... she said, and I quote "you were bossy", she even thought about it for a few seconds. So have I never been happy and just found a way to put on a show till I just couldn't anymore?
I hope to find my happy self again, and who knows, maybe I won't be the same as I once was.
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