US
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Adoption Workshop
Counting down the days.... So we're finally taking a forward step-instead of just hoping that someday we'll have a baby. This is a big step and I'm trying to keep perspective that this will take time, and won't happen overnight. At least now we have something definite we're working for. Instead of just waiting, or hoping, or whatever you want to call it. A friend is very encouraging about this program and has talked to Tim a lot about what to expect and the cost/timeline. So he's ready and excited. I'm glad, big relief for me. I have thought about adoption many times growing up, and am happy this is the route we're taking. I know my family will be supportive, and that my parents will be happy for us to finally have our baby. Well, short post today, TTFN
Happy Childless Awareness Day!
"Childless Awareness Day" present to you, I give you the gift of "the upside". The Upside of Infertility.
You're welcome.
Today, you...
...don't have to clean up poop that your two year old has smeared all over the walls.
...can sleep in without some dirty child jumping on your face at 5:30 am.
...can drink heavily. Repeatedly. All day long. Without that nasty stigma of being an "alcoholic parent". You can just be a regular ol' alcoholic.
...you can watch an X-rated movie. On the big TV in the living room (Adam's contribution). Adam also suggests you can watch a bloody horror movie.
...smoke crack without worrying you're being a bad influence on the next generation. We've all seen that commercial... "From you, alright! I learned it from watching you!"
...can leave the house without Child Protective Service getting called on you for leaving your children unattended (way worse than having neighbors complain about your barking dogs all day, or so I've been told).
...can have sex anywhere in the house you'd like (another Adam contribution). Or just lounge around naked.
...spend the money that would have gone to a Mother's Day present on something much more practical and useful over the long term.... like Uni-Corn Corn holders. Awesome.
So ladies, what things will you enjoy today about being childless? Happy Childless Awareness Day!"
****Found this post on Busted Plumbing****** Thank you Kate!
I had decided to not post anything on Mothers day due to the fact that it would be bitter, depressed rantings. However my mother's day wasn't that bad....
I started out Sat by having all my nieces and nephew and going to an open-house BBQ at the local hardware store-the kids picked out flowers for their mom's that we later planted in baskets for my sis and sis in law. So I a great Auntie day! I also got to spend time with my mom, and that was great-we don't get to have very much mother-daughter time.
Sunday I slept in and then took advantage of the sunshine and worked outside, lounged on the trampoline and got a nice sunburn. Tim cooked me a nice brunch and then went to pick up the step-kids. D & F surprised me by bringing home flowers (later found out that D bought them herself), I didn't know what to say but Thank you. I know this has been hard on them, and they only see me as hurt and upset-they really don't know what is going on month to month. The feelings of loss and failure. So my mom's day turned out better than last year-Thank you God!
You're welcome.
Today, you...
...don't have to clean up poop that your two year old has smeared all over the walls.
...can sleep in without some dirty child jumping on your face at 5:30 am.
...can drink heavily. Repeatedly. All day long. Without that nasty stigma of being an "alcoholic parent". You can just be a regular ol' alcoholic.
...you can watch an X-rated movie. On the big TV in the living room (Adam's contribution). Adam also suggests you can watch a bloody horror movie.
...smoke crack without worrying you're being a bad influence on the next generation. We've all seen that commercial... "From you, alright! I learned it from watching you!"
...can leave the house without Child Protective Service getting called on you for leaving your children unattended (way worse than having neighbors complain about your barking dogs all day, or so I've been told).
...can have sex anywhere in the house you'd like (another Adam contribution). Or just lounge around naked.
...spend the money that would have gone to a Mother's Day present on something much more practical and useful over the long term.... like Uni-Corn Corn holders. Awesome.
****Found this post on Busted Plumbing****** Thank you Kate!
I had decided to not post anything on Mothers day due to the fact that it would be bitter, depressed rantings. However my mother's day wasn't that bad....
I started out Sat by having all my nieces and nephew and going to an open-house BBQ at the local hardware store-the kids picked out flowers for their mom's that we later planted in baskets for my sis and sis in law. So I a great Auntie day! I also got to spend time with my mom, and that was great-we don't get to have very much mother-daughter time.
Sunday I slept in and then took advantage of the sunshine and worked outside, lounged on the trampoline and got a nice sunburn. Tim cooked me a nice brunch and then went to pick up the step-kids. D & F surprised me by bringing home flowers (later found out that D bought them herself), I didn't know what to say but Thank you. I know this has been hard on them, and they only see me as hurt and upset-they really don't know what is going on month to month. The feelings of loss and failure. So my mom's day turned out better than last year-Thank you God!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
WTF?
OMG! Could there be anymore pregnant women, or new babies? All in our town of 1,200 people and all at the library when I'm there for story time with my niece and nephew. I had to put on my smiley face, listen to the stories, and then finish crafts. Leaving I felt like I was going to fall apart. Why is my body doing this to me? When is it my turn? Why do crack whores, and drug addicts get to have babies and neglect them , or abuse them?
I am so tired....... I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of waiting for my baby, I'm tired of having to survive......
All I want to do is crawl into bed and just go to sleep.
I am so tired....... I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of waiting for my baby, I'm tired of having to survive......
All I want to do is crawl into bed and just go to sleep.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I have LOTs of things to be happy about......
so why can't I just be happy? Well, I guess I have to find a way to push these thoughts of failure, self doubt, self hate, self loathing, and just all around not liking myself somewhere. the hard thing about it is it takes so much energy to pull myself out of all these bad thoughts, it's easier to just stay under and not be happy...
What is happiness anyways?
Is it always having a smile on your face-I can do that and still feel lousy
How about laughing- I have moments of laughter
Or, feeling good and wanting to share it... That I don't do.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel happy and want to smile, laugh and share it, they are just few and far between, and are usually brought on by my husband, my siblings, or nieces and nephew. Z has been asking me every time she sees me now if "you're having a bad mad day, aunt tabby?" I am so far down in my own little pit that a 2 1/2 year old can see it!!! What happened to Happy Tabby? Where did she go and why do I only see passing glances now?
I asked my mom, on a 5 hour road trip to pick up my little brother, if I was a happy child..... she said, and I quote "you were bossy", she even thought about it for a few seconds. So have I never been happy and just found a way to put on a show till I just couldn't anymore?
I hope to find my happy self again, and who knows, maybe I won't be the same as I once was.
What is happiness anyways?
Is it always having a smile on your face-I can do that and still feel lousy
How about laughing- I have moments of laughter
Or, feeling good and wanting to share it... That I don't do.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel happy and want to smile, laugh and share it, they are just few and far between, and are usually brought on by my husband, my siblings, or nieces and nephew. Z has been asking me every time she sees me now if "you're having a bad mad day, aunt tabby?" I am so far down in my own little pit that a 2 1/2 year old can see it!!! What happened to Happy Tabby? Where did she go and why do I only see passing glances now?
I asked my mom, on a 5 hour road trip to pick up my little brother, if I was a happy child..... she said, and I quote "you were bossy", she even thought about it for a few seconds. So have I never been happy and just found a way to put on a show till I just couldn't anymore?
I hope to find my happy self again, and who knows, maybe I won't be the same as I once was.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Our TTC story
Tim and I met in 2003, we became great friends and started dating the next summer. I have wanted kids since I could understand what that meant, and Tim had 2 already and wasn't opposed to more. We just had a tiny hurdle of a vasectomy to get over-no prob! I am GREAT at researching and had a MD who did microsurgery AND took payments found and printed out in no time....
We had to come up with the money to travel, and a down payment (still think that is funny) so by March of 2006 we were on the way to Florida, I had never been and so figured might as well make a vacation of it. It was a wonderful time and we still talk about going back one day. Tim proposed to me on a beach with the sun setting and waves crashing, he got down on one knee-me freaking out about the sutures, and I fell even more in love. We decided to wait (after the necessary 4 weeks) because we were going to get married in a few months and I had a friends wedding to go to in June and wanted to be able to drink, there were plenty of reasons to wait a few months. I found out I'm allergic to latex, so started on BCP's had the worst migraines ever and tossed them thinking what the heck I just won't drink 2 weeks into my cycle and being pregnant in a wedding dress is not that bad.
Our wedding was in September of 2006, wonderful day! We hadn't been using anything for 3 months and figured it might just take a little time. In February of 2007 my sister came into the clinic where I worked as a medical assistant-she was pregnant, my little sister who didn't want kids... needless to say I was a little upset, not at her, at my body for not being pregnant. Then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant too! I was so happy, this must have been why we didn't get pregnant right away, my sister needed a pregnancy buddy. We went along thinking everything was wonderful! I found a website that printed out a calendar that gave you a day by day description of what was happening (within a few days give or take) so here we where telling everyone I have a shrimp sized baby in me when things started not feeling right. Despite my desire I couldn't hear a heart beat (remember I worked in a clinic so was checking at least once a day) around what should have been my 12 weeks I started spotting, we immediately went in for an ultrasound and all she could find was an approximate 6 week gest. sack. I was crushed, so was Tim. But this happens, it's all a part of it... and I do not want to end up like the lady on the discovery channel so please get this out of me-my provider gave me an abortion drug to start the process, I didn't want a D&C due to scarring. OK, this is OK, we're going to be OK!
So mid May I had a normal cycle, decided (not sure why now-I've learned a bit more) with my provider I should have a HSG, all the blood work was coming back normal besides an elevated TSH which I had been treated for for 2 years by now. The HSG went better than I thought, except the Rad tech couldn't be in the room with me during the procedure-she was pregnant! The tubes were given a clean bill of health and we we're told to stop trying and it will happen.
In August I quit my job because it had gotten too stressful and all those positive pregnancy tests where making me cry (others not mine). So went to being a full time volunteer EMT on the local ambulance. Found out we were pregnant AGAIN! and then I M/C at 7 wks this time.... OK we're OK, it'll happen. In the mean time I'm going to keep busy and go to do something that being pregnant would interrupt-because EVERYONE says if you start school, or a new job you'll get pregnant right away! And I did! Still not sure how it could happened (besides the obvious) I saw my hubby on Friday-he left to go hunting, I started classes and ovulated on Tues., and didn't see him again till Wed. night, then gone for another week and a half. Missed period in October-you're kidding me right? Nope, even with smoking-had started again to take some of the stress off since it wasn't possible this cycle, and was staying at a friends while outta town-drinking every night, it happened. And here is the last time I was pregnant.... I M/C at 8 weeks and ended up in the hospital ER due to bleeding and pain, I think it was more emotional that physical, it still felt good thinking they could take care of me there. Well needless to say after 3 m/c I got put on the recurrent M/C list and now qualified for a trip to a specialist, have I mentioned we live in rural Alaska and that the specialist are few and far between, especially for fertility? So I went to a great OB/GYN who admitted up front he didn't know what to do but he could go by Seattle's list of a fertility workup and then we could move forward from there. So a few thousand later I have a very slight clotting problem (one number out of the range)that's fixed by taking a baby aspirin everyday and nothing else wrong (we opted to not do DNA at this time). Hubby went in for SA, a few less than normal swimmers but all in all no reason why we shouldn't just keep trying-that was the fun part after all, right?
So starts my Clomid cycles, which in turn I started researching everything I could find about recurrent m/c, and ways to increase our chances. So out came the thermometer and charts, then progesterone, then was getting too many side effects from CC, and didn't want to use all my eggs in one try (was later better explained to me and now am not so worried I sent all my eggs out in the 3 months I was taking cc), now what? Am blubbering, teary mess, can't function around anyone who might be or is pregnant, have stopped talking to people I don't have to because I'm tired of answering the question, "are you pregnant?". How could something that is so easy for some be so hard for me??
I only wanted to have baby....
I love spending time with my nephew-4, and nieces 7, 2& 3/4, & almost 1, and I'm not mad at all the pregnant people, what is happening is I no longer like me.... Who I've become in this whole sordid mess, who am I anyways?
We had to come up with the money to travel, and a down payment (still think that is funny) so by March of 2006 we were on the way to Florida, I had never been and so figured might as well make a vacation of it. It was a wonderful time and we still talk about going back one day. Tim proposed to me on a beach with the sun setting and waves crashing, he got down on one knee-me freaking out about the sutures, and I fell even more in love. We decided to wait (after the necessary 4 weeks) because we were going to get married in a few months and I had a friends wedding to go to in June and wanted to be able to drink, there were plenty of reasons to wait a few months. I found out I'm allergic to latex, so started on BCP's had the worst migraines ever and tossed them thinking what the heck I just won't drink 2 weeks into my cycle and being pregnant in a wedding dress is not that bad.
Our wedding was in September of 2006, wonderful day! We hadn't been using anything for 3 months and figured it might just take a little time. In February of 2007 my sister came into the clinic where I worked as a medical assistant-she was pregnant, my little sister who didn't want kids... needless to say I was a little upset, not at her, at my body for not being pregnant. Then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant too! I was so happy, this must have been why we didn't get pregnant right away, my sister needed a pregnancy buddy. We went along thinking everything was wonderful! I found a website that printed out a calendar that gave you a day by day description of what was happening (within a few days give or take) so here we where telling everyone I have a shrimp sized baby in me when things started not feeling right. Despite my desire I couldn't hear a heart beat (remember I worked in a clinic so was checking at least once a day) around what should have been my 12 weeks I started spotting, we immediately went in for an ultrasound and all she could find was an approximate 6 week gest. sack. I was crushed, so was Tim. But this happens, it's all a part of it... and I do not want to end up like the lady on the discovery channel so please get this out of me-my provider gave me an abortion drug to start the process, I didn't want a D&C due to scarring. OK, this is OK, we're going to be OK!
So mid May I had a normal cycle, decided (not sure why now-I've learned a bit more) with my provider I should have a HSG, all the blood work was coming back normal besides an elevated TSH which I had been treated for for 2 years by now. The HSG went better than I thought, except the Rad tech couldn't be in the room with me during the procedure-she was pregnant! The tubes were given a clean bill of health and we we're told to stop trying and it will happen.
In August I quit my job because it had gotten too stressful and all those positive pregnancy tests where making me cry (others not mine). So went to being a full time volunteer EMT on the local ambulance. Found out we were pregnant AGAIN! and then I M/C at 7 wks this time.... OK we're OK, it'll happen. In the mean time I'm going to keep busy and go to do something that being pregnant would interrupt-because EVERYONE says if you start school, or a new job you'll get pregnant right away! And I did! Still not sure how it could happened (besides the obvious) I saw my hubby on Friday-he left to go hunting, I started classes and ovulated on Tues., and didn't see him again till Wed. night, then gone for another week and a half. Missed period in October-you're kidding me right? Nope, even with smoking-had started again to take some of the stress off since it wasn't possible this cycle, and was staying at a friends while outta town-drinking every night, it happened. And here is the last time I was pregnant.... I M/C at 8 weeks and ended up in the hospital ER due to bleeding and pain, I think it was more emotional that physical, it still felt good thinking they could take care of me there. Well needless to say after 3 m/c I got put on the recurrent M/C list and now qualified for a trip to a specialist, have I mentioned we live in rural Alaska and that the specialist are few and far between, especially for fertility? So I went to a great OB/GYN who admitted up front he didn't know what to do but he could go by Seattle's list of a fertility workup and then we could move forward from there. So a few thousand later I have a very slight clotting problem (one number out of the range)that's fixed by taking a baby aspirin everyday and nothing else wrong (we opted to not do DNA at this time). Hubby went in for SA, a few less than normal swimmers but all in all no reason why we shouldn't just keep trying-that was the fun part after all, right?
So starts my Clomid cycles, which in turn I started researching everything I could find about recurrent m/c, and ways to increase our chances. So out came the thermometer and charts, then progesterone, then was getting too many side effects from CC, and didn't want to use all my eggs in one try (was later better explained to me and now am not so worried I sent all my eggs out in the 3 months I was taking cc), now what? Am blubbering, teary mess, can't function around anyone who might be or is pregnant, have stopped talking to people I don't have to because I'm tired of answering the question, "are you pregnant?". How could something that is so easy for some be so hard for me??
I only wanted to have baby....
I love spending time with my nephew-4, and nieces 7, 2& 3/4, & almost 1, and I'm not mad at all the pregnant people, what is happening is I no longer like me.... Who I've become in this whole sordid mess, who am I anyways?
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